Nuts

Two squirrels sitting in a tree. Ebu says to Otis “hey Otis, you got your nuts stored up for wintertime?”

“Fuck it man!” says Otis “is that all anybody can talk about around here...you got your fucking nuts stored up for winter? Isn’t there anything else to talk about.”

“Hmm...like what?”

“Well...like philosophy or poetry or art, or something like that.”

Ebu thinks about it for a moment “you can’t eat those...can you?”

“Of course not, but that’s not the point. Look at poor Kracko lying down there in the street. He was the hardest working squirrel I ever saw.”

“Yeah...he had it made” says Ebu “big fancy nest, and all that.”

“Had it made? All he ever did was bust his butt to store up more and more nuts. Now look at him. Some car comes by...and splat, it’s all gone.”

“Goddamn humans” says Ebu, looking down at the poor dead squirrel. “Say...what do you suppose he did with all those nuts?”

Otis gives him a look of disgust. Then, thinking about it says “well he’s got that big-ass family to support.”

“Yeah, and that fat-assed wife. Poor guy.”

“You see” says Otis “that’s what I mean. There’s gotta be something more.”

Ebu considers this. “So...you wanna go hump some bitches?”

“Shit” says Otis “you know how hard it is to catch one of them bitches. All they do is run around like mad all over hell, around the tree, across the lawn, up the tree, down again. Jeez, makes me tired just thinking about it.”

“Stupid bitches” says Ebu “why do you think they do that...you know, run away all the time.”

“They want us to chase ‘em. Makes ‘em feel good, like they’re worth it. Damn... sometimes I’d just as soon hump an acorn.”

Ebu knows the feeling but doesn’t care to think about it “humping bitches feels better.”

“Yeah, if you can catch one” says Otis. “And then if you do, they want to have a family right away. And then you’re stuck...storing up nuts every second for the rest of your goddamned life.”

“No shit” says Ebu “and when you’re doing that, all you’re thinking about is...jeez, I’d sure like to be humping some other bitches.”

“Exactly, it’s just a rut you get stuck in.”

“I’d sure like to rut with that Honey Squirrel” says Ebu thinking out loud. “Get something stuck in her.”

“Who wouldn’t” says Otis “that’s one hot little squirrel.”

“You think...she’s doing it with somebody?” asks Ebu.

“I dunno...she’s pretty fast...be hard to catch up to that little bitch.”

Both squirrels let their minds wander to the thought of humping the hot young Honey Squirrel. Then Otis has an idea. “You suppose we could ...you know, gang up on her? Like you could hold her down, and...”

“Man, you pervert” says Ebu “you’re sick. You wanna rape some sweet little bitch like that?”

“Nah...just thinking of...how to make it easier, is all. A guy gets tired of humping acorns all the time.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Say...did you...ever think of doing it with a male squirrel?”

“Fuck you!” says Otis “get away from me. You’re the pervert.”

“Well, I dunno” says Ebu “maybe it’s...cool.”

“Shit, man, you oughta go hang out with Bilbo Squirrel, he’s queer as a three dollar bill.”

“You know” says Ebu “they say that he’s hung like a horse.”

“Goddamn! You sitting around talking about some squirrel’s dick. What kind of shit is that?”

Just then a truck comes by and runs over the dead body of Kracko Squirrel, splattering his insides all over the street.

“Goddamn!” says Otis “did you see that. That son of a bitch just squashed Kracko’s guts all over fuck!.”

“Shit” says Ebu “motherfucking humans.”

A mailman gets out of the truck and starts making deliveries along the street. The two squirrels jump up and down and yell at him from the tree, screaming obscenities in squirrel. But he doesn’t pay them any mind. Finally they start to throw walnut shells at him, some of them landing on his head and back. He turns and looks up at the two squirrels. Then picks up a walnut and hurls it back at them, striking Otis in the face.

“Motherfucker! Son of a bitch put my eye out.”

“Goddamnit!” yells Ebu.

He rushes down the far side of the tree and comes up behind the mailman. Then scurries up the man’s pants and bites him on the nuts. “Yeee ow!” screams the mailman, clutching at his crotch and pounding at the squirrel inside his pants. He falls down in agony. Ebu staggers out the other pant leg, battered but pleased with himself.

Much later, dark out now, there’s a meeting of the squirrel council to discuss what happened. “You dumb son of a bitch, Ebu” says the head squirrel “what the hell were you thinking?”

“He asked for it” says Ebu “goddamn humans.”

“Yeah!” screams the head squirrel “and all afternoon and evening, we got Sheriff’s deputies and cops and...goddamned boy scouts...shooting squirrels out of the goddamned trees!”

“Poor Bilbo got his dick shot off!” says one of the councilmen.

“Yeah” says another “and poor Dilbey took one up the bung hole...or two, I guess that would be.”

“Look...I’m sorry” says Ebu “but they got no respect for us.”

“And a lot less now” yells the head squirrel “all of ‘em scared to death of ‘mad squirrels’ on the loose. They won’t be satisfied ‘til they kill us all.”

“Well hey” says Ebu “maybe I can go to them...and negotiate something.”

“Negotiate my ass!” says the head squirrel “you can’t reason with them.”

“Okay, then I’ll turn myself in, and let ‘em do...whatever they want with me.”

“Sure” says the head squirrel “and how the hell they gonna know it was you?”

“Well, I’ll find that mailman...I’m sure he’d remember me.”

After the meeting breaks up, Honey Squirrel comes over and sidles up to Ebu. “Gosh” she says “I thought that was real brave of you...what you did.”

“Really?” says Ebu “so...you wanna go roll in the leaves?”

“Oh...no. I just thought we could talk is all...”

“Okay” says Ebu “and then after we’re done with that...”

“No” says Honey, again “is that all you ever think of?”

“Wull...of course not” says Ebu looking into her warm golden eyes “there’s lots of stuff I think about.”

“Like what?”

“Well...like philosophy...and poetry...and stuff like that.”

“Really? That’s cool.”

“Yeah” he says, hoping she won’t ask any more about it. “So...what do you wanna talk about?”

“Oh...I dunno” says Honey “um...you got your nuts stored up for winter?”